What is it about pregnancy and parenting that makes strangers — and even well-intentioned friends and family — ask some of the most personal and often awkward or rude questions?!

Whether we have children or not, and how we choose to conceive, birth, and raise them, is really no one else’s business. Not to mention that for many people, this constellation of questions may be complicated and deeply upsetting, so asking may trigger more than just an awkward silence.

I battle awkward with sarcasm. I’m trying to compile the best witty and biting replies, and I think the best defense is an equally awkward/intrusive answer. Sadly, I often think of them too late — so maybe these will give you a chuckle or, even better, give you ammunition the next time someone lobs one your way.

Top Ten Awkward Parenting/Pregnancy Questions

10. When are you going to have children?

Answer 1: I’m thinking about raising a herd of feral cats instead. They are pretty awesome and they are toilet trained — is your kid?

Answer 2: I’ve thought about trying. Maybe next week — are you offering to help? I could totally pencil you in…

9. Why don’t you have children? You would be such an awesome parent!

Answer: I’m actually Batman and can’t take time away from saving Gotham from evil-doers.

8. Are you pregnant?

Answer: You sense that because you are also pregnant, right? We must be in sync. Oh, you aren’t pregnant? My bad…

7. Can I touch your stomach? (If they even ask…)

Answer 1: Only if I can touch yours?

Answer 2: OK, but I won’t give you three wishes — my genie powers aren’t working today.

6. Are you going to have friends and family in the delivery room? 

Answer: Are you interested? I’m thinking of charging admission — what do you think is the right price?

5. Are you planning to have a “natural childbirth”?

Answer: Is that like organic, or free-range? You know, all the pregnant ladies wandering in an open field?

4. Your child doesn’t look like you at all!

Answer 1: It’s funny, right? My other 20 look exactly like me. What are the odds?

Answer 2: Well I guess it could have been the mailman…

3. Are you going to breastfeed the baby?

Answer: Well it’s either that or move to a farm and buy a cow… the kid has to eat, right?

2. Are you still breastfeeding the baby?

Answer: I couldn’t find a cow to do it for me — they just kept running away. So, yeah.

1. When are you going to have another kid?

Answer 1: I asked my magic eight ball to help me decide. The answer was, “Reply hazy, try again,” so I keep shaking the ball and waiting for an answer.

Answer 2: Maybe next week — are you offering to help? I could totally pencil you in…